Adam Blatner

How embarrassing. I used to think of myself as an unbeliever! But I’ve come round. A friend really challenges me. He is where I was ten years ago. He made me realize that I have truly delved—what a portentous word!—and I don’t want to give that short shrift. I have taken LSD a few times; I’ve done a variety of weekend workshops; I’ve been a soul-journey-er. I now own that. (I tended to minimize these and really, I shouldn’t.)

Taking into real considerations all his objections, which are like my own thinking in the not-too distant past, I realize that I’ve changed. I retract my atheism—not from fear of punishment, but out of conviction. I’ve had mild transcendent experiences. You may call them illusions, and perhaps they were. Perhaps. But I think that takes the accusation of "illusion" a little too far. A few illusions, perhaps; a moderate number—even then, well, maybe. But for me I’ve had enough mind-stretchings—not yet one of those personal mind-grabbing "why dost thou persecute me?" visions of Paul on the way to Damascus, but close—to be convinced.

My friend played the devil’s advocate. He is so like me ten years ago.) He makes me marshal all my evidence: It adds up to: I am convinced! There’s a 4% of will playing out here, "the will to believe"—who said that?— but evidence aplenty suffices in my mind. I refuse to say you should believe too, though. There is a poignant beauty in our stand-off.