Adam Blatner

I’m not claiming that my life was objectively perfect, but subjectively I’ve come to a point of cultivating an attitude of “so this is what it is,” really knowing that I don’t have a clue to what it is, but there is that awakening sensation, that moment of perceived insight: I had to mess up and get the consequences for messing up in order to learn what I needed to learn. So, though I’m pretty happy now, there were times when life did not seem perfect. I was either being messed with or I was messing up—or maybe a bit of both. But although everything hasn’t been smooth, then again some of the really rough edges were smoothed off by good fortune, aka the protective angels of Grace. And the rough spots were indeed learning lessons that required pain, I think back, or I wouldn’t have learned them.

I thought people were as smart, fluid, imaginative, loose as I was. Nobody had ever said otherwise. Now I realize that it wasn’t the kind of thing anyone would admit to, or even consider. Rather, they would tend to label me with words that were less flattering, judge me, and dislike me. Finally I got the message that people were put off by my exuberance, they really couldn’t handle it, and I seemed to them to be too much. It wasn’t their role to be accepting! It was foolish of me to have unconsciously expected them to be accepting. So I learned to tone it down, and I was still learning through my 60s! Ay yi yi!

Now I still slip, but I can say with more assurance that I’m okay, I’m reasonably popular, I’m a bit of a character but not too much. I don’t try to relate to too many people, because I’m aware that most folks don’t know what to make of me. I have a number of friends and as for the rest, okay, I stop trying to be their good friends. I’m kindly, helpful, but not overly so—in contrast to a couple of decades ago when I’d try extra hard to be friendly with folks who were a bit edgy with me. Now I recognize that this edge was a sign of medium-poor rapport (or “tele”) and that I shouldn’t push my luck.