This is a complex of a number of associated images, thoughts, and feelings that emerge regarding the theme of entertaining opinions and judgments about things that really don\u2019t concern you. It occurred to me that this is a not uncommon theme for parents of adult children whose life choices differ in various ways from your own. (There are many complexes. Sigmund Freud talked about the \u201cOedipus Complex,\u201d and Alfred Adler the \u201cInferiority Complex.\u201d I occasionally make up others, like this one, the \u201cFuddy-Duddy Complex.\u201d)<\/p>\n
Some of the issues that evoke or activate this complex include the following:
\nTeenage slang, fashion, music, and many other \u201cin-group\u201d values and behaviors.
\nWhen your kids grow a bit more, as young adults:
\n\u2013 their choice of job, sexual preferences and styles, living arrangements
\n\u2013 wanting to live at home or for parents to continue to support them in any way
\n\u2013 moving away from home too far and not visiting enough, calling enough
\n\u2013 dating\u2014or worse, wanting to marry\u2014people whom you might not prefer as spouses or to have as an in-law \u201cson\u201d or \u201cdaughter\u201d\u2014much less their family as part of your family.
\nThis could be based on race, religion, ethnicity, education, class\u2014the propspective spouse being of a higher class (that you might imagine to be too snooty or formal) or lower class.
\n\u2013 changing to a different religion, becoming too non-religious, or perhaps too religious, more church-going and living by stricter rules than you do…
\n\u2013 developing significantly different political preferences, opinions, joining a different political party, or even just differing about a specific but significant issue
\n\u2013 their entertaining socially or not,
\n\u2013 gambling, investments, degrees of risk
\n\u2013 spending, too cheap, miserly, or too spendthrifty; extent of debt.
\n\u2013 other risk taking in sports and other hobbies
\n\u2013 too much television, news, video games, drinking, eating \/overweight
\nor too little, not staying abreast of current events<\/p>\n
When they do get married, they the complex constellates about the grandchildren, how they\u2019re being raised, what they are \u201callowed to\u201d get away with
\n\u2013 the parents seem too protective or not protective enough
\n\u2013 too strict or not strict enough
\n\u2013 what the rules are, how they enforce the rules
\nand so forth.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m reminded of the comedian George Carlin\u2019s description of other drivers on the freeway: They\u2019re either idiots or nuts. The idiots are those who drive slower than you do; the nuts are those who drive faster. The point is that so many of these opinions are based on your own level or style or degree of whatever, and your kids\u2019 life-style in comparison to yours.\u00a0 (Oh, here’s another item for the above list: You can fuss about how others either drive too fast or, on the other hand, seem too conservative in their driving, leaving you to want them to move it along!)<\/p>\n
By extension, the fuddy-duddy complex goes beyond just your kids, and can expand, depending on how \u201csevere\u201d it is, in expanding social concentric circles, to nephews and nieces, cousins and siblings and other in-laws, neighbors, etc. Some people even involve their parents and spouses in this sphere of those able to evoke a degree of indignant fussing.<\/p>\n
Nor must one be an elder. It is possible to evoke this complex even as a youngster\u2014or the beginnings of it\u2014and also during teen or young adult years. It has more to do with the inclination to be judgmental, and equally, the social surroundings that support the playing of the pastime that Eric Berne called the game of \u201cAin\u2019t it Awful.\u201d There\u2019s a little enjoyment of righteous self-satisfaction and gossipy implication that at least we don\u2019t do such things.<\/p>\n
A related complex is hinted at by the German term, \u201cSchadenfreud,\u201d which means the enjoyment felt at someone else\u2019s misfortune. The song, \u201cGoody-Goody\u201d\u2014with the theme that now someone else has broken your ex-lover\u2019s heart just like s\/he broke yours\u2014and \u201cI hope you\u2019re satisfied you rascal you!\u201d also carries this dynamic. Back to Alfred Adler\u2014the counter to the inferiority complex is a tendency to compensate by slipping into a superiority complex: The point, though, is that there can be many ways this manifests, this enjoyment of being one-up, and sometimes this dynamic can backfire by depleting your own psychological energy.<\/p>\n
Fussing about others when you know that you have your own set of faults and challenges tends to make you even more guilty, ashamed, and slightly alienated when you project your own tendencies onto others and assume that they\u2019re being judgemental of you. (In fact, most of the time they\u2019re too busy with their own life challenges to even notice\u2014or if they do notice, they hardly care.)<\/p>\n
Resisting the Complex<\/strong><\/p>\n The temptation to give in to a less-than-worthy attitude or behavior need not be given into. Part of maturation is learning to resist your many different temptations. You don\u2019t have to poop in your pants with every colo-rectal spasm and urge\u2014learning to contain your bowels is an early skill. Nor do you have to hit or scream whenever you get an anger urge\u2014alas, that skill, while not qualitatively different, is sometimes not learned just a few years later (as it should be), but anger incontinence can continue well into adulthood.<\/p>\n Unfortunately, our culture\u2014and shown on television\u2014often seems to celebrate the expression of anger and violence as if it were a strength rather than a weakness. (Diplomacy and tact as a form of strength is hardly recognized on television, which panders to the immature aspects of people\u2019s psychology.) So also is it common to show judgmental people\u2014epitomized by the character of\u00a0 Archie Bunker on the television situation comedy in the early 1970s, \u201cAll in the Family.\u201d<\/p>\n So, when tempted to fuss and judge, consider that being a fuddy-duddy generally involves people and behaviors about whom you have no real responsibility or control, and whose life choices do not immediately impact your own. Of course, there are borderline or fuzzy areas where one might argue that concern is merited, but that\u2019s not the point. The complex speaks to those situations that might dissolve under any degree of philosophical reflection.<\/p>\n Another way to illustrate complex is in the line: \u201cThere was a day when I just had to tell my point of view….\u201d\u00a0 \u2014 and the line is linked to the alternative attitude, as suggested in the title of the song: \u201cHave You Never Been Mellow\u201d (by John Farrar,\u00a0 recorded by Olivia Newton-John in 1975).<\/p>\n Background<\/strong><\/p>\n This contemplation was triggered by the news that my adult children, my daughter and her husband\u2014fine, mature people with young children themselves\u2014had gotten a dog! After hearing the news, I rolled my eyes and (off the phone) complained to my wife about all the disadvantages of this action. At first my wife sympathized, added her own concerns, but a few minutes later observed, \u201cYou\u2019re being a fuddy-duddy.\u201d \u201cI am not,\u201d I replied, and huffed off and worked on some project. But I thought about it a bit and it occurred to me that I didn\u2019t know a better name for this role. So I went into the kitchen where she was working and said, \u201cYou\u2019re right. I\u2019m being a fuddy-duddy. That\u2019s exactly the right word.\u201d We laughed and I\u2019ve continued to think about it.<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t \u201clay a trip\u201d on my daughter, or fuss at her. In fact, a few days later I told her about this reaction and our naming of the complex and she found it delightfully amusing. The point in naming this complex, then, is to identify the temptation to act it out, to get grumpy and offer unsolicited advice, reproach, worry, and other unnecessary communications—but not to give in to the tempation! You don’t have to do everything you’re tempted to do.<\/p>\n Further Analysis<\/strong><\/p>\n That\u2019s the key: There are some communications that are clearly deserving of some un-asked-for advice: \u201cYou should see a doctor for that\u201d might be a fair example. Maybe. But then there are lots of situations in which your opinion is not being asked for, and chances are high that if you gave it, this act would do no good and more likely create a small or larger gap in your relationship. The other person\u2014say, your adult child, daughter-in-law, etc.\u2014would rightly experience you as at least mildly intrusive and judgmental, even if it would not occur to them to use such terms consciously.<\/p>\n What\u2019s going on here? Here are some speculations: First, there is the problem of poor boundaries. There\u2019s a tendency to confuse the appropriately blurry boundaries of experience between a parent and a young child with the recognition of appropriateness of increasing boundaries as the youngster grows older. The key is, as mentioned, whether or not you are the one who will be held responsible or have to pay for the consequences of your youngster\u2019s actions. As that becomes minimal, your concerns about things that don\u2019t properly concern you render you subject to the fuddy-duddy complex.<\/p>\n Worrying about kids as they head off to college or head into the big world with having kids doesn\u2019t really further their acquisition of increasing degrees of responsibility. The right thing is to have a lively sense of the pervasiveness of the temptation to give in to this pitfall, and by recognizing the complex, resisting it.<\/p>\n You\u2019re still free to choose to intervene, give advice, fuss, when you think that it is politically wise and potentially effective, but it\u2019s a matter of choosing your situations very carefully and after some reflection or talking with a spouse or good friend. When you just give in to habitual reaction patterns, then it\u2019s a little neurotic\u2014and what makes it neurotic is less what you do and more whenever you react out of habit and subconscious motivation, or in situations where most folks would be able to recognize it as un-called for and fruitless.<\/p>\n Another source that feeds this complex is that having opinions and feeling you have to speak about them often serves not the realistic needs of the situation, but rather your own subconscious sense of powerlessness. Opinions offer a symbolic sense that \u201cI\u2019m here, and I\u2019m important, and what I say goes\u2014or at least it should count for something.\u201d Alas, in many situations, it doesn\u2019t matter, and your opinions are often counter-productive in your effect.<\/p>\n Related to this, the complex may reflect a different kind of boundary problem. In certain roles, at work, in your club, your rank in the military, in the past, you may have more actual authority, responsibility, and power. In those roles your opinions really do count. The idea that you have other roles where they do not count is hard for some people to understand. There\u2019s a residual of either-or thinking: You\u2019re either big and important or your small and unimportant. But the more mature recognition is that status in one role may not bleed over into status in other roles.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a residue here of decades if not centuries past, when fathers were accorded more authority and this was reinforced by society; or mothers, too, over their brood. In the 1960s Broadway musical, \u201cFiddler on the Roof,\u201d one of the sub-themes was that of the three daughters each making increasingly independent choices about their husbands, stretching the boundaries of propriety. This was a reflection of attitudes not only in our families, but in the families of many relatives and cultures where parental authority (such as in choice of a marriage partner for their later teen or young adult children) remains traditionally accepted.<\/p>\n A third factor in the fuddy-duddy complex is a social one rather than personal: We are expected to have conclusions, opinions. Teachers in high school would ask what we thought of some historical event and we were supposed to have a thought-out answer. \u201cWhatever\u201d was not an acceptable response. We are supposed to participate in politics and take sides\u2014on issues, on candidates\u2014and this is considered good citizenship. I am not objecting to this, except to suggest that it may not apply to all issues and should not be used habitually and mindlessly. (Yes, it is very easy to be mindless in repeating old opinions. These then give the illusion that one is thoughtful when in fact the thoughts have not been re-evaluated for years.)<\/p>\n I hope this naming of what may have not had a clear name before might be helpful in noticing such trends in your own life, and holding back in your generous opinion-offering. As I said, you\u2019re free to do this\u2014especially if you think it through, not just whether you are right, but whether it is truly useful. (I\u2019m reminded of a quotation that says something like: Before speaking, ask yourself three questions: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?) The key is to interpose that evaluative capacity for reflection, in light of your best assessment of (1) your highest values, and (2) the actual circumstances in the present moment.<\/p>\n Fuddy-duddies tend to just flap their mouths, offer opinions and huff around, unconsciously hoping to be \u201crespected.\u201d Alas, this approach often generates the opposite. Your comments will be appreciated and may help me to refine the concept.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This is a complex of a number of associated images, thoughts, and feelings that emerge regarding the theme of entertaining opinions and judgments about things that really don\u2019t concern you. It occurred to me that this is a not uncommon theme for parents of adult children whose life choices differ in various ways from your […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11,6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-31","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-literacy","category-wisdom-ing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=31"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=31"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=31"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=31"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}