I coined this term to describe a type of subclinical emotional abuse that arises not from the cruel person\u2019s feeling of power, but rather a kind of grumpy defiance. I also think that for every situation in a marriage or family where there\u2019s recognizable emotional abuse\u2014not to speak of the other kinds of physical or sexual abuse\u2014there may be twenty or a hundred of examples of victimoid cruelty as \u201csub-clinical\u201d but nonetheless hurtful dynamics.<\/p>\n
The \u201cperpetrator\u201d is a well-meaning person (s\/he thinks) who works hard (probably does), but has limited insight or any inclination to introspection. This person experiences him- or herself (I\u2019ll just use the masculine pronoun from now on for convenience\u2019s sake) not as mean so much as rightfully put-upon by uncaring incompetence at all levels, from the \u201cgummint\u201d (i.e., government -\u2014which may include the local tax collectors and regional regulations as well as national laws) to co-workers, superiors, subordinates, and especially family. All are sources of the sense of betrayal\u2014people who it seems offered an implicit promise of being helpful or competent and who have faulted grievously on this promise. Obviously they just don\u2019t care enough, or so it seems. Resentment, rants, blaming, all seem like plausible responses, and even these reactions don\u2019t respond adequately to the perceived enormity of the fault. At times it escalates to \u201cthey should be taken out and shot at dawn\u2014without breakfast!\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s amusing if it weren\u2019t so toxic to those around, being dragged into that storm, having to hear how \u201cthey\u201d shouldn\u2019t do this, or \u201cthey\u201d should fix that. Alas the loved ones find that they too are not infrequently transformed into displacement targets: \u201cAnd you\u2019re no better!\u201d When people who do victimoid cruelty are looking to find some comfort in their paranoia and the offender is too far away or too un-identifiable, well, they look around: Their so-called \u201cloved ones\u201d can be found to be not living up to what it seems proper to expect of them!<\/p>\n
As a psychiatrist who has done family therapy, it was not atypical for me to hear a parent if not saying explicitly, then expressing attitudes like these: \u201cI\u2019m only here \u2018cause this kid is messing up our life. There\u2019s nothing wrong with me or my wife.\u201d Or, once they become more comfortable and are talking about their lives, this kind of thing: \u201cI can\u2019t believe people are so dumb! How can they have the nerve to seek public office? And (turning to a spouse), you, I\u2019ve told you! But you still won\u2019t listen! If you cared you\u2019d understand! I\u2019m not dumb! I\u2019m surrounded by dummies! Considering the enormity of their stupidity, I feel entitled to feel betrayed, angry, to rant and rave! There\u2019s nothing wrong with me, because I can see clearly! (At least it seems to me that it makes sense!) Why do they resent me? I try hard to make a good life for them! They\u2019re ungrateful and worthy of blame. You won\u2019t believe how hard I try not to be as angry and mean as I feel.\u201d<\/p>\n
As I said, the term \u201cemotional abuse,\u201d suggests that the abuser is feeling powerful, enjoying the cruelty, like a spoiled mean little kid tearing the wings off of flies. Alas, there are some who really do that, but my point is that far, far more common is the cruelty that emerges from people who are struggling against what they feel are overwhelming stresses. These stresses are the modern counterpart to what what\u00a0 Shakespeare\u2019s character, Hamlet , says in his famous soliloquy\u2014you know, the one that begins with \u201cTo be, or not to be, that is the question.\u201d\u00a0 A bit later, he lists his stresses:\u00a0 \u201cFor who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely, The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay, the insolence of office, the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes, when he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin? (i.e., when he could just stab himself with a knife). Might we translate that list into modern frustrations with government regulations, policies, taxes, inflation, loss of retirement funds, scams, etc.?<\/p>\n
We\u2019re talking about seriously counting one\u2019s burdens, not blessings. A comparable list of modern equivalent stresses are prevalent and these support anyone in their feeling justified in being grumpy about their victimhood. Much of the Tea Party rage comes from this \u201cI\u2019m mad as hell and I\u2019m not gonna take it anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n