I wasn\u2019t sure if I had an inferiority complex\u2014it just wasn\u2019t the right word. (The term was originated not by Freud but by Alfred Adler.) If you left me alone with my books or play I was fine. Finally at age 76 I found a better word: Inadequacy complex, which senses and feels bad about a disparity between what was expected (or felt to be expected) and what one could deliver. A glass of water is wonderful for a thirsty person, but doesn\u2019t measure up if one wanted a gallon of water, or a glass of wine. So inadequacy is not an objective measure in itself, but rather relative to expectation or desire.<\/p>\n
In fact, this sub-type of inferiority complex is not uncommon, because it\u2019s an act of \u201cprojective identification.\u201d If a person feels dissatisfied, they project that dissatisfaction to those around them, sort of \u201cI\u2019ve been unfairly deprived, and it\u2019s your job to make it better.\u201d Those around them may more or less readily take on that expectation, feel guilty. They identify with the projection. The idea that it\u2019s not their place to live up to others\u2019 expectations is not at all apparent. (Fritz Perls\u2019 line that \u201cI am not here to live up to your expectations\u201d had extra power because it helped to correct this complex\u2014a little.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve had relatives who were fairly satisfied, but also were at time some-what dissatisfied, and I picked up on these unconscious projections when I was younger. (My wife confirms that this was indeed a quality of the people in my early life.) Although I read about psychology, the power and subtlety of interpersonal manipulation wasn\u2019t sufficiently emphasized. I thought more blame was placed on the neurotic people for feeling guilty. That others did things that would clearly feed into such complexes\u2014well, I missed that. <\/p>\n
In the last several decades the interactional nature of relationships have been more clearly elucidated, as well as the dynamics of social manipulation—interpersonally, in groups, in society, in politics, in advertising, etc.<\/p>\n
Having an \u201cinadequacy complex,\u201d I\u2019ve been over-sensitive to reproach, even a faint whisper, a look, a lack of clear appreciation. I hurt if I\u2019ve disappointed someone. I don\u2019t let it bother me so much, knowing about this dynamic. However, getting completely<\/em> beyond this over-reactivity is, I think, impossible for me. Rather, I minimize the probability of it happening by avoiding people who are inclined to expect more from me than I can give comfortably. I avoid roles that tend to be associated with unrealistic expectations\u2014such as leadership roles.<\/p>\n This is very deep. I realize that I don\u2019t even want<\/em> to achieve the kinds of things that go with other people\u2019s expectations. If they want more than I can give, or want something else, it\u2019s not my problem. This makes me less capable of dealing with many situations that are faced by many therapists\u2014especially the plight of a client with a fair amount of not neurosis but personality disorder. This latter type, personality disorders, are the type of people who, if there\u2019s some friction in a relationship, tend to blame you rather than themselves. I really don\u2019t want to deal with such folks, as much as I really don\u2019t want loud noise or the smell of tobacco smoke. <\/p>\n This doesn\u2019t make \u201cthem\u201d intrinsically \u201cbad.\u201d I don\u2019t need to judge them, and some folks probably feel okay with such people\u2014some even like them. But not me. So I remove myself into my own little world—well, it\u2019s not so little, and indeed might be called rather large—and that\u2019s good enough for me. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I wasn\u2019t sure if I had an inferiority complex\u2014it just wasn\u2019t the right word. (The term was originated not by Freud but by Alfred Adler.) If you left me alone with my books or play I was fine. Finally at age 76 I found a better word: Inadequacy complex, which senses and feels bad about […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[24,11,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1421","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-autobiographical","category-literacy","category-psychotherapy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1421"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1421"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1421\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1422,"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1421\/revisions\/1422"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1421"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1421"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blatner.com\/adam\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1421"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}